dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
