my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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