Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
