I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
