Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
