He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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