My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
