I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
