I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Randomize
