i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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