I wish my penis had an off switch
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
