so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
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