oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
