last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
