A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
