i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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