Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
