I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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