dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
