you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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