Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
