he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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