my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
