Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
