The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
