I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
