proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
she pinky promised me she was 18
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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