dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
