We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
