I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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