literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
