Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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