the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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