somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Randomize
