i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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