i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
