Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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