fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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