Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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