a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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