She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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