the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
