My hand turned me down
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
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