soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
