My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
