Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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