Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
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I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
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It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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