omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
