sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
