Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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