I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
