My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
NoShamevember. You game?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
