Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
you didnt know i had herpes?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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