i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
