I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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