i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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