I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
