You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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