I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
