she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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