Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
